Don't PANIC!

Im back!

2010-02-23T20:12:00.003-05:00

last post published on Nov 15, 2009.

Wow. thats 99 days... hmmm and i thought it had been only a few weeks .... oh well what can I say: "such is life.... move on" (which you prob have, from this inactive blog anyway)

So in the morning, on my subway ride to work, I thought to myself how unfortunate it was that I had been neglecting my very own space in the great grand blogosphere. The way I see it, if you have a space you should utilise it... shame on me for being so daymn wasteful. And to make matters worse, I have also noticed in a serious dip in my writing/thinking processes.

I thought about this during the remaining my 2 1/3 mins of my subway ride and I've come to the conclusion that it seems I've developed a CCP (CutCopyPaste) / JFGI (Just Fucking Google It) brain ...and that is NOT a good thing. Especially since I have recently acquired a position in the working world (not quite a full-time paying job but defiantly a step up from the unemployed bum life I was submerging into) I will need to use the tiny little brain cells which seem to have shrunken as a result of neglect and misuse (I blame CCP/JFGI syndrome). "Revive little brain cells!!!! COME BACK TO ME!!!"

So I thought was ready to dive right back into the blogging pool, I thought I had thoughts for reflection and blog-worthy topics in mind, but now (4 days of half a post sitting in the drafts cupboard later) I think its obvious that I should wade around in the shallow end for a while.

So instead here are unnecessary updates on my life:

I want a yellow room in my house
I should/want/need to catch up on my HIMYM
Im trying to get (back) into the social media think but i dont know where to find the discipline for it.
I LOVELOVE mc. dreamy and mc. steamy and wish I could be Adison except in my version she/I would get to have both of them with no repercussions .... maybe even together ...hmmm
I tend to make these declarations of my LOVELOVE out loud.
Needless to say this pisses off the hubby no end who then threatened to cut off my greys anatomy watching privileges.... oops. ahem.
Yes I watch greys anatomy for the delicious men ....so sue me.
That wasnt an update ...more of just random randomness
I'v forgotten how to blog .... help. (I blame CCP/JFGI Syndrome)

I'm back betchess!!! ;)

2009-11-15T03:17:00.000-05:00

a Website for its Music ... (and a good cause too im sure)

http://www.maje-paris.fr/#/en/mecenat

2009-11-14T03:39:00.002-05:00

yummy martinis, sexy music and purple thoughts swirling around my head...

dont do me any favours

2009-11-08T01:38:00.001-05:00

I dont like asking you

to do anything for me.

to be there for me.

to take an interest in things that interest me.

I dont like asking.

(for favours) from you.

or anyone.

And then I get sad when you

dont do something for me.

when youre not there for me.

when you dont take an interest in things that interest me.

(and yes i realize how fucked up that is)

2009-11-08T01:37:00.000-05:00

505

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs,

Stop and wait a sec,
Oh when you look at me like that my darling,
What did you expect,
I probably still adore you with you hand around my neck,
Or I did last time I checked,

Not shy of a spark,
A knife twists at the thought that I should fall short of the mark,
Frightened by the bite though its no harsher than the bark,
Middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start,

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs,

But I crumble completely when you cry,
It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye,
Im always just about to go and spoil a suprise,
Take my hands off of your eyes too soon,

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs and a smile!

[Artic Monkeys]

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest!

2009-10-21T17:16:00.004-04:00

[ transfer: from a comment to my blog ]

you have 77 comments ... so dont know if you will get this far ... but felt the need to write still.... having celelbrated my own 27th last week and all.

Its so silly this birthday nonsense.

I mean you know its just one day, you know youre older so it doesnt/(shouldnt) matter, you know your friends and family love you either way, and its no longer like back in highschool when they didnt have the pressure of work and busy lives etc. and a barrage of people had nothing better to do than to go out of their way makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and special.

Call it hallmark/hollywood/bollywood brainwashing ...we just expect it all and more!

theBoy is a loving caring husbby who is crazy abt me, but try as he will, the poor thing will just never live up to the expectations i have of being made to 'feel all warm and fuzzy and special' (special means retarded).

I dont know what it is but the crazy expectations of mine (ours) just dont align with the way 'theBoy's are programmed to think abt such occasions...(i mention this because such occasions bring the most pressure on them).

so what i think is that its just that as we get older we just tend to lean towards insecurity and attempt to grab at remenants of a semblance of a feeling of togetherness that we once (at a younger more naive age) felt on such occasions.

And we just have to face it.... its just aint gonna to happen anymore alice!

So hello birthday, fuck you for making me older birthday, and goodbye birthday.

2009-10-21T13:19:00.000-04:00

i dreamt that i smoked up from a giant sheesha and got mad stoned. how weird.

Conclusions and such!

2009-10-19T01:50:00.004-04:00

so my random blog-hopping/stalking attempts at finding new and exciting reading material has brought me to the following conclusions:

the blogs i used to read have either : a) died , b) become 'yummy mommy' blogs, or c) are still rambling on abt the same sad story and should die!

i judge blogs by their background/templates. there it had to said out loud.

I also judge blogs by the aesthetics of the pictures they post. that too had to be said.

why is everyone with a blog 20 or thereabouts?!?! (is that a sign?)

why am i already soooo far from 20 or thereabts?? (ooo that stings)

$ 10,000 to the man/woman/centaur who can offer me something more interesting then the generic swill out there!

Q: is it fair for me to expect the world to hand me new and exciting reading
material when i myself have none to offer the world?
A: Yes. Life isnt fair. (so hand it over bitches)

bloggity blooger!

2009-10-14T00:37:00.003-04:00

so i contemplated making this blog public and my anon self non-anon... for an entire 13 1/2 minutes or so.

I figured ..its not like i write on it a lot and its not like anyone reads it a lot.

those 13 1/2 minutes or so (most of which were spent net surfing and random thoughts thinking) were then followed by an urge to write something on the said rarely written-on/rarely read blog .... and for some reason the topics that came to mind were 1. drugs and 2. sex (not 3. rock and roll) in that order.

Now its not that I have an issue sharing out loud my opinion and the drugs and the sex. For if you know me at all, (which thankfully you dont) you probably also know that I'm not exactly a wallflower keep-my-opinions-to-my-self kind of girl (sometimes much to theBoy's distress). However despite the 'i'll give a daymn when i die' attitude (melodramatic arnt i), I feel that the world at large need not be privy to my loud-mouthed opionions or even personal details (should i decide to be so generous) on such subjects, with my face as postergirl of all free and colourful speech.

I mean it would be fine if youre a friend and I know you, and it'd also be fine if youre a stranger and I dont......but! it starts getting messy if I dont really know you but you sort of do know me, and then I find out that I do know you through a someone who we both kindof sortof know really well.... And on finding that out, I find out (or dont find out) that the things you primarily know abt me are 1. my drug preferences (natural/herbal over chemical) and 2. sex positions of my choice (topic for another day perhaps)... through my blog .... whichhhh now that we both kinda sorta know each other ...is just creepy and stalkerish for you to be reading ... or given that I'm the one who's putting out there for you to read is just attention-whorish of me ...maybe.

Its just not a self analytical spiral which im ready to go down just yet ...

Maybe if I had more friends who blogged out loud (i.e. non-anonly) ... I might be comfortable with letting my freak flag fly out loud as well .... but I don't.

Plus the fact I myself (after being a part of the blogsphere for over 4 years) still dont know what to do with the creepy fact that I too (stalkerishly perhaps) read the blogs of people i kindof sortof know in real life ..I mean really what do you do with that ... go up to them and say: 'Hey. so you know I read your blog..great stuff ...ohh and btw too bad abt the herpes ... he really should have warned you'. I mean really?!!?
(shhhhh. hmmm i guess thats why we'll just keep pretending that doesnt happen. really. it doesnt..)

soo therefore and thereby.... the non anon blog - out of the question for now!

...and if there be anyone who has an objections to this, speak now, or forever hold your peace. (or comment later... either way)

2009-10-14T00:20:00.001-04:00

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." Anais Nin

2009-10-02T21:17:00.003-04:00

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

Ladies and Gentlemen ..... I am at my worst!

birdbrained

2009-09-02T13:12:00.004-04:00

I wrestle with insomni-ic (yes thats how its spelt) bouts all night. My brain is the hub of a whirlwind of productive activity. I think thoughts of greatness. All kinds of business savy, bestseller greatness!

And then, I wake up the next morning and facebook stalk people I barely even care to know.

I Wrote This For You

2009-08-28T02:40:00.004-04:00

so i found this ... and I'm in love. The words are written to make you fall in love. Not the wordly love that makes you whole and real and grounded but the other love that you think of from the age of 13 onwards that your day-dreams are made of. The one that is theoretical and intwined like lesions in a brain (potentially harmful to ones reality), that reality can not live up to because reality doesnt have to. The two run parrallel you see and always will. this love and that love.

2009-08-25T01:09:00.000-04:00

2009-08-21T01:43:00.001-04:00

...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'
- Jack Kerouac

frenemy! ... an actual term now!?

2009-08-21T00:37:00.003-04:00

I dont know how to hold a grudge.
Its kind of a stupid quality. gracious and forgiving perhaps but stupid.
I think its because of the perpetual short/long term memory loss that I seem to have suffered from almost all my life. People do things, the things hurt me and few months/weeks later I forget those very things. Now no matter how cruely it had hurt at the time, I forget. And even when reminded, I am somehow unable to conjure up those feelings of hurt anymore. And so I dont know how to hold a grudge. Not even close. It a real problem I tell you!

So Ive sort of figured a way around it. I few years ago when I realized that life aint easy and all friends aint for life, I made up a few rules (call it self preservation) for myself:

a) I'll be your loyal loving yet scarcastic friend as long as you make a concious effort to be mine as well. If the interest is not mutual then its not, no hard feelings.
b) If you fuck me over/hurt me/hurt a close friend of mine, I wont hold a grudge but I will push you a few notches down to the friend-aquaintance shelf from where your words/actions just wont matter all that much anymore.

Not to say that the rules are fool proof... but they do keep me semi-safe at least.
However there are ofcourse those friends that just refuse to get pushed to the lower shelves... they are the old ones, the ones you knew when you had two toned arms (from the scorching sun in the campus with no trees), when you hadnt figured out straightners, or threading, the ones so close to my heart that no matter what they do, I still and will inherently care for them, and no matter how hurt, I will continue to look out for them. Not that I'm the perfect friend who will bicha-ofy herself ... far from it...
But its just that people bitch abt how hard relationships are and God help us they are ... but its your friends who really mold your life pre/during and post those crazy relationships that our lives focus on so.... so.

Sigh
Life, .... it really ought to be easier. :P

today's lesson

2009-07-30T05:04:00.006-04:00

What is hypothyroidism?
Hypothyroidism is a condition in which the body lacks sufficient thyroid hormone. Because thyroid hormone affects growth, development, and many cellular processes, inadequate thyroid hormone has widespread consequences for the body.
Hypothyroidism is sometimes referred to as a "silent" disease because early symptoms may be so mild that no one realizes anything is wrong.

Someone who has hypothyroidism will probably have more than one of the following symptoms:
Long and Pathetic list of Hypothyroid Symptoms (Edited to make shorter)
Fatigue
Problems with memory and concentration
Depression
Numb, tingling hands
Long recovery period after any activity
Arms feeling like dead weights after activity
Chronic Low Grade Depression
Suicidal Thoughts
Cold hands and feet
High or rising cholesterol
Bizarre and Debilitating reaction to exercise
Hard stools
Constipation
No eyebrows or thinning outer eyebrows (always had that)
Dry Hair
Hair Loss
Nodding off easily
Requires naps in the afternoon
Air Hunger (feeling like you can’t get enough air)
Inability to concentrate or read long periods of time
Forgetfulness
Foggy thinking
Inability to lose weight
Always gaining weight
Inability to function in a relationship with anyone
NO sex drive
Moody periods
Aching bones/muscles
Osteoporosis
Exhaustion in every dimension–physical, mental, spiritual, emotional
Inability to stand on feet for long periods
Complete lack of motivation
Slowing to a snail’s pace when walking up slight grade
Internal itching of ears
Broken/peeling fingernails
Joint pain
Carpal tunnel symptoms
No Appetite
Headaches and Migraines
Sore feet (plantar fascitis); painful soles of feet
now how do I put this one politely….a cold bum, butt, derriere, fanny, gluteus maximus, haunches, hindquarters, posterior, rear, and/or cheeks. Yup, really exists.

An underactive thyroid can lead to progressive loss of interest and initiative, slowing of mental processes, poor memory for recent events, fading of the personality's color and vivacity, general intellectual deterioration, depression with a paranoid flavor, and eventually, if not checked, to dementia and permanent harmful effects on the brain.

(A second blood test to double check ... sounds best)

musicalisity

2009-07-28T00:13:00.005-04:00

Every so often I get hit by the sudden realization that I need new music in my life. Music that moves me. I havnt heard anything that makes me move me in ages. And I'm not talking about the 'disco stick' induced dance moves.

I think it was my last year in Montreal, before the move back to Pakistan that the music in my life was good. Really good. The moves-you-from-inside-out type of good.... (we refered to as 'that' music :P). Ofcourse there was Ani (di franco). My first and only musical obsession. Anywhere, anytime... Ani did it for me (and no thats not the repressed lesbian inside me talking). The raw magnetism of her music got to me on so many levels, it was hard to explain. So instead of explaining it I hopped around all over the place getting anyone who was willing to give her music a listen. I was euphoric under the spell of 'that' music.

Rufus Wainwright's ciggarettes and choclate milk (when I thought he was obscure and classic), the Wallflower's 3 marlenas, Susheela Rehmaan's Yeh Mera Deewana Pun, Nusrat's (all time fav) Halka Halka Suroor... the list is endless, I dont quite know why im even trying...

I miss driving in Karachi, (Mai Kolachi, Oueens Road, the road that goes beyond creek club to no where) with the sun in my eyes and my music in my ears. The (semi) open roads and (polluted yet) open skies made the music real. So real I felt it running up and down beneath the surface of my skin. It sounds wierd to say aloud but thats how I felt it. With the right beats, I still do.

Keeping the music alive in your life is a task... one that iv got lazy at in my old age (yes thats my excuse and im sticking to it) And I often try to peg it on the fact that I dont have the right kind of people to share the music with. Or rather to share it with me .... la laz lazeee ....

So, in light of that my friends, to do my due to you ... here I am sharing my musical contributions to your life today....

a local talent

http://65.175.69.168:91/dawnanimation/musician/

and the Darling Damaes (featuring local drummer Sami K)

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=104607726

inspired/inspiring

2009-07-23T06:04:00.005-04:00

Gasp by linneastrid *http://linneastrid.deviantart.com/art/Gasp-120879199

my life in the betweens #1

2009-07-23T05:30:00.006-04:00

hi.hello. how are ya?

and so we have finally moved to the new city. the big city. the one I always bitched out because it was not the right size/not as amazing/not as cultured/not quite 'home' as the old one. But nessecity is the mother ... and now this is our new city.

so the moving is done... the setting up not so much. Its amazing how long a process the whole settling in and setting up can take (but thats for another blog post).

For now this is just to get back into the words... into the flow.
For now this is just to say that today I :

Procastinated on all the many many things i have to do.
Got out of the house for the sole purpose of buying almonds and milk from Metro
...end up browsing furniture stores and art stores...
Got inspired from the art stores... came home and surfed deviantart* ... got even more
inspired and thought up paintings (read: procrastinated actually painting)
Made up an excuse to get out of excercising ("running errands")
Watched 'So you think you can dance' with friends (this season really sucks balls)

...and how was your day?

And the search begins...

2009-07-01T19:50:00.000-04:00

2009-06-03T00:56:00.001-04:00

im not blogging these days because im moving. and im tired. and im making plans. big plans.

ok fine ... not so big plans.
(... which hope to lead to Big Plans!)
so there.

(... moving to our new and very own ....)

2009-05-26T14:41:00.001-04:00

real wisedom

2009-05-26T14:39:00.001-04:00

found this and thought I'd share...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.-- Lynn , age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.-- Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.-- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.-- Rick, age 10

'eat, drink and be muree'

2009-05-26T14:03:00.000-04:00

http://www.thenational.ae/article/20090525/FOREIGN/705249930/1002

blog you too?

2009-05-22T04:28:00.000-04:00

I started blogging when I was college (Feb 2005 ... i checked) and i find... a true testament to the time gone by is not that my friends or the people I grew up with are moving on, getting married, having kids.... Its the fact that people who's blogs I used to read are having kids!!

Somehow THAT makes me feel like life is truely changing... moving ahead. I guess with the "real people" the ones you know and interact with in the flesh you can move past the 'holy hell... youv made another human being! your a grown up now!' part and reconnect on other levels. But with the blog people (see I didnt say fake people) theres no way to reconnect really ... I mean you cant dictate what they blog about anymore and other then going back and re-reading their older circa 2005 - 200whereyouleftoff material ... (which would just be downright stalkerish) ... theres nothing much you can do about it.

So youre left with former punk goddesses turned mommies and former cynical studs turned daddies... which is not to say that they still dont retain thier 'former' punk/cynic glory ... they do but its just diluted .. with the more important stuff .... as it should be .... or rather is ... at this stage in life.

But given that I myself have not reached this or that stage in my life ... im left a little not quite ... well a little left out ... lets just say. So instead of joining the mommy/daddy brigade just yet im going to go for the other option the one that doesnt include nappies and labour pain... Just as with many others at this stage in 'real' life ... I think I need new friends in my blog life ... so im going blog-shop!

(lets hope it goes better then my friend-shopping attempts ... but thats for another post)

2009-05-20T22:41:00.001-04:00

Silence

2009-05-14T23:58:00.002-04:00

I dont have the words to form a sentence when we're arguing anymore. What the fuck makes me think I have the words to form an entire blog?
I dont. I'm sorry I just dont. I know I used to be the girl who could argue a fucking wall into submission but I cant anymore. Its physically impossible for me. So I submit. You may not belive me but I struggle in my head for the words... the right ones that will get the right response from you ... but there are none! There are never any right words. So I stutter .. and I submit ... to silence.

You know I'm tired. of the arguing. I'm tired of the serious converstations (with anyone anymore) and the meaningful topics in life. I have nothing to say anymore. And as much I hate this ineloquence (if there even is such a word) ... the air has been kicked out of my body too many times now. And now when we argue or fight or something comes up all I can do is shutdown, try my level best to keep the tears in (they rarely do) and hope the moment will pass. Because I'm done having an opinion to express or a point of view to share with anyone or words to try and convince you because it doesnt matter. Nothing will ever convince you. or her. or anyone. So why should I waste my breath. Its scarce you know ... I should just save it for the days when I find it hard to breathe....

2009-05-12T23:01:00.001-04:00

Im listening to FM89 online ... and hearing a really really bad urdu ad about cleaning your AC is making me feel strangly nostalgic. Regardless of what where and how bad things are... I miss home.

not the truth, the whole truth or anything resembling the truth

2009-05-12T22:06:00.004-04:00

ok so I have to be honest... the previous post was in no way a reflection of my own current state of life... which, truth be told quite the opposite. Well maybe not entirely.... my writing is still compact and subdued however im not really catching anything as such. There just isnt much to write about when life is stagnant and confined to a one bedroom apt on the 16th floor. I'm so bad that I dont even cross the hallway to do laundry (which is absolutly havee to do tommorow). The bummy state of my life is quite ridiculous. And it make me wonder how all the other women/ people in the world do it? Each and everyday forever and ever..... just the thought of it makes me thinking of a dark downward spiral .... (which I might be leaning towards if I didnt constantly remind myself that I will be getting a job very soon and by job I obviously mean a career).... which gives me relief and ofcourse causes the earlier mentioned panic to wash over me once again....

So since there is still time for the job/career/direction of life .... and the gyming/yogaing/cooking are so not working out for me .... i went and bought myself a whole bunch of books today!

Ten Thousand Lovers by Edeet Ravel
BIAS: A CBS insider exposes how the media distort the news by Bernard Goldberg
A Big Life (in advertising) by Mary Wells Lawrence
Film Festivals Confidential by William Marshall
CTV: The televison wars by Susan Gittins
Throwing the Elephant by Stanley Bing

All for $25.14 can you believe it. Theres a great bookstore 5 mins from my place which has all its books on great discounts. I think the prices have dropped even more since the last time I went there. So as you can tell half of the books are for my professional growth ... whichever direction that may be... and half are just because I liked their covers! (why yes I do judge books by their covers).

Maybe reading more will improve my writing which will lead me to writing more. Iv really lost touch of how my words used to run and flow and friggin dance on the page (or rather computer screen). Now they just hang out awkwardly around each other feeling a little out of place...

2009-05-12T17:08:00.001-04:00

“Now, though I live so much more deeply, my writing is compact and subdued and I am busier and cannot indulge in contemplation. I must catch life, things, swiftly in fewer strokes.” - Anais Nin.

laziness and panic

2009-05-07T11:47:00.002-04:00

does it make me a bad person that when i am faced with other peoples accomplishments, which I am on a fairly regular basis, I usually cringe (on the inside) and would rather crawl up into a ball then feel the required happiness for them. The reason being; not that I particularly hate all other successful people (which now that i mention it I actually just might). But rather because its a nagging reminder of the seriously lack of 'tangible' acomplishments in my own life. Sitting in my apt day after day I can feel the time... all the time in the world... slipping by. And for some reason its that very thought that strains my breath.. makes my muscles heavy and it paralyzes me. Its ridiculous I know. Most days I spend a chunk of my time on the internet. I could be utilizing that time being productive working towards "my accomplishments" to come... yet thats not what i do. what i do is sit and surf through all the people i know and all that they have done. And feel .... not bitter ..... but small and scared!
(if anyone i knew read this they would probably slap me... which is probably what i deserve) but I do... its true .... it can not be helped!

ok fine maybe it can ..... "get over it and move on" would be the advise i would give anyone else ... so why doesnt it work with me?

why does this combonation of laziness and panic jump into my veins and result in a comatose me wasting away my days infront of the tv and internet. Its been a month and 6 days. this is so not me. i HAVE to get a move on it ....

when I grow up...

2009-05-04T03:26:00.002-04:00

right now im going through an alphabetical listing of job descriptions in life. enough said.

i like the way "dingy" sounds... "inflatable dingy" even better :)

2009-05-03T21:51:00.002-04:00

2009-05-03T21:30:00.004-04:00

These days im reading a book called "EMERGENCY: This book will save your life!". Im not quite sure what I was expecting from it but its was definatly not what I had expected. Its interesting in a strange way .... not one of the best books Iv read in a while but crammed with many interesting facts still. And you have to love the (misleading yet brilliant) chapter titles like "Why knocking up a Brazilian Women can save your life", "Why you should think of the Zoo as a restaurant" and "The Britney Spears school of pregnant surfing"!

So im on twitter and I was reminded of it because I just found out that fictional characters from a comic I follow are on twitter as well. I think they might be more interesting than real people.

GO

2009-04-30T04:41:00.004-04:00

"... out conquering the world"

hey. wasnt that supposed to be me .... at some point. I mean it wasnt stated or said out loud or even on my 5 plan but it was certainly implied.. certainly at the back of my mind.. at the back of other peoples mind .... when they saw me. You can tell these kind of things.
And rather then being out ... conquering the world ... im in ... most days ... sitting in my pjs watching tv or facebook stalking the pretty happy conquering people of the world (dont judge me you know you do it too).

Before I was going somewhere ... on a career path ... headed ... well somewhere Im sure .... and I had goals .... which I was too lazy or immobile to act on most of the time ... but they were goals nonetheless. At least my job kept me going. I loved what I did and I saw a future with it ...definate possibilities of world conquering.

But now ..... well now I start over.
I press some sort of restart button and start over again. However the thing is that this time im not young and silly and just at the beginning of my life. this is not entry level.

This is harder. because if I want to conquer the world and I really do!! I have to do it now. I have to make decisions and about what-where-when-how and how-far! And then I have to go. Go in. Head first and FAST. and the thought of that; scares me to my very core!

..its 4:47 am and I watched 11 episodes of greys anatomy today (season 5 if anyone cares) ... i think watching greys makes me want to blog. wordy internal monolgues and all that. seriously.

SLEEP

2009-04-22T14:36:00.001-04:00

I compose entire blog posts in my sleep...And then erase them from memory before I wake up.

(re)INTRODUCTION

2009-04-18T02:34:00.002-04:00

I think the reason I stopped writing was because I had other things to do... they werent nessecarily better things. just things. And then I stopped because I couldnt start again. I tried several times but it just didnt take. Four years or so passed and a lot happened, a lot changed. All of it undocumented. A pity isnt it :).

I think I also couldnt get myself to write because when I started writing was when I first realized that I was lost and we were all lost and we had to find ourselves and we had to find each other. I was a few years past the teenage angst but what I felt was stronger then just angst it was (...resisting the urge to look at synonms for angst) ... it just was. a time and a place. and we were. And then somewhere along the years we stopped. and we no longer were. in that place. or at least I wasnt.

After searching for so long it starts getting old pretty soon. Its not that the search gets old its the words. The same words to describe the same feelings. It starts feeling redundant repetitive the same thing over and over again. And the internal monologue you once thought was oh so clever. just. stops being so.

and you stop. writing. not living.
and so I stopped.

yet

every once in a while the writer. she tugs at my insides and calls to be voiced. words inside perhaps jump to get out. I might not have much to say anymore. But once in a while ... theres no harm in trying is there...